Too much Kentucky
by runephoenix6769
Summary: Excactly as the title suggests. Santana has too much Kentucky and a little too much of it's famous bourbon and writes to Britt all those thoughts and feelings she can never bring herself to say. Journal extracts
1. Chapter 1

An Ode to a Best Friend

X

Allow me to start this with the one thing I will never allow myself to say out loud..

I love you.

And I do not say this in the frivolous way that 'I love you's' are thrown around , at the end of a show, after too many drinks, when you do something rather well and your boss appreciates the work . That fake European kiss on both your cheeks.. You know the one were they don't quite touch your skin but they pretend to grasp your shoulders feigning an embrace because its deemed as the professional 'done' thing

I hope you don't forget what a real hug is like..

You are so talented and I think you have always known that but you have never had belief.. And now you are starting to realise just how much you have to offer the world..

You have sponsorship in LA..A steady.. A REAL opportunity.. Is that not your dream?

Take it Darliin'

Grasp it by the lady balls and make it your own..

If you don't I shall go *insertLimaHeightsJanesborohe re*

You've worked hard. You've worked long. You've created beauty and the world deserves to see it!

If you're scared that's normal. Whats the point of an adventure if you're not? (Didn't some chubby fella in a bed sheet preach some stuff. *Im sure he kinda looked like John Candy* sat under a tree so it couldn't have been all bad, he was a good comedian and an light orange would have totally suited him)

Think of LA like that time we decided to go Foxy Boxing in that mansion in the country and you busted your ankle so you sat there with a banjo and a reed cowboy hat and a packet of peas to soothe it .. And I thought I was a corn silk cowgirl so I beat the living crap out of the piano and sang like I was from Kentucky..

An adventure.. You have nothing to be afraid of , other than yourself..

Do you remember when you we went a bit LimaHeightsWild and every weekend was spent in our own taxi service .. 2 bucks the wheelie bin .. 5 bucks the trolley.. Just so you know.. Couldn't tell you this face to face but yeah that Sunday when you were looking for me and you get very upset. I was in A&E getting my crafty collar bone fixed.

(The strange and daft thing was, No word of a lie , and you know I would never lie to you. (any one that was there shall attest to this.. It wasn't until you woke up and went to the bathroom that it kicked it.). That is why I disappeared and you killed me for it)

Any how , I digress..

Polly Pocket is on her own path, with her blazing determination, she shall get where she wants to go . Our Be Bop knows were he is going..

Pay no attention to the negativity.. Babe you can do this.

You're smart , in ways I could never even begin to put into words…

You helped me become the person who I am today .

You've never made feel like Im judged regardless of what I have said or imparted. Your Mom and Dad have accepted me like family.

You're the only person I can be me with .

I know right now it comes across as if I don't care if you go to LA to follow your dream, but with everyone we care about and love is telling you its never gonna happen, what am I supposed to do? I want ask you not to go but I know to ask such a thing would be completely selfish

I want you to go ..

You need to go .

You're not happy here

. I'm your best friend, It's my job to want the best for you.

Maybe I'll get my shit sorted and I'll follow you , carving a path for myself.

Home isn't a place , it's people.

And you have always been my person.


	2. Chapter 2

x

I woke up this morning doing that thing I have always done for more years than I can remember, reaching for you in the space beside me.

It's instinctive, I can't help it.

I was confused for a few minutes, wondering were you had gone and was I missing practice and then I remembered, we aren't in Ohio anymore.

My head hurts and to be honest I'm feeling quite weak. I guess that's what I get for drinking on an empty stomach. Who am I kidding, I have always felt like this after I drink but the difference back then was you!

You would always wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ice cold bottle of water and two pain killers in your hands but that was never my cure. My real cure was snuggling into you and watching Jessica and Elizabeth duking it out in the Sunshine state.

I never realised how much of a loner I was until I met you.

But it was my own fault. But I did that to myself, with my walls and my rules and my arms waving, pushing, constantly pushing, testing and wary. I guess I thought if nobody knew me no one would see. I tricked myself into thinking I was happy to go it alone. That I was happy the house was always empty and my parents where never home and I could do as I pleased.

It was simple.

If you don't give then there's no disappointment or expectations when it's not returned.

I thought it was easier, but then you came along and you showed me how wrong I was and what I was missing. You made me realise that alone had turned into lonely. You took my hand and guided me and helped me find my voice.

In one way I feel like you ruined me yet I am so happy that you did, that you took the time that you never gave up, even when everyone else did. That you saw me for who I truly am and parts of me I could not even see myself.

You understood it all.

Being here so far away from you I feel like I have lost a limb. You know like Arizona in Grey's she lost her leg but she can still feel it even though its never coming back.

That's how I feel about you, (not that you're a missing leg cause that's just gross) that you're there but you're not _really_ there.

I'm scared it wont be the same.

In fact, I know it will never be the same.

I'm drowning Britt.

I'm scared.

I'm lonely and I'm afraid it will always be this way.

God …Now I'm crying. . Whiskey always make me sooo Emo!

I really thought if I stayed away from Jack I wouldn't get like this. I guess Jim, with his missing teeth, is just as bad!.

Ps .. If you ever wondered where your fave hoodie went.. Its keeping me company.


End file.
